Cracked Pepper, Beef Stroganoff and Breaking The Silence

His voice was apologetic, almost embarrassed and I had to strain to be sure I was hearing him correctly. I truly thought I must have misunderstood, so I politely asked for clarification: "So, your company helps authors self-publish?" "Yes, that's right." "and that means that basically the author pays for most, if not all, of the publishing costs?" "Yes, that's right." "and, you're telling me that even if I did that, your company would not allow me to self-publish because why?" "Ummm, well, because you are writing about women in ministry and because you are a licensed or ordained minister who is a woman and that contradicts our statement of beliefs."

As I stood in my kitchen, stirring the beef stroganoff, my mind struggled to understand his words - it was all just too surreal. I was being told by a Christian publisher, that because I was a woman, they would not consider a book proposal supporting women in ministry. Neither would they consider book proposals from women who were licensed or ordained - on any subject. As he was stumbling through a half-hearted attempt at explaining his company's doctrinal position, I stood, still stirring my beef stroganoff, and wondering: okay so what types of books, written by Christian women, does that make acceptable? cookbooks? romance novels? children's stories?

He was very kind and even recommended another Christian publisher to me, and so I politely thanked him and quietly hung up the phone (while still stirring my beef stroganoff). That was when two thoughts shot through my mind: 1) Someone should be handing me a medal for self-control and self-restraint right now! 2) I think I just put way too much cracked pepper in the beef stroganoff!

There is a time for silence. Early in the morning, while the rest of the world is still asleep, silence is a hushed and holy companion. There is a time for silence. In the heat of the moment, when tempers are flaring, silence can create the space for understanding and reconciliation. There is a time for silence. When life shattering grief overtakes a friend, our silent embrace is more healing than words trying to make sense of the tragically senseless.

There is a time for silence...and there is a time for the silence to be broken. Oppression can not be defeated by silence. The problem is I did not want to be the one to have to speak. I did not want to be the one who would be labeled and branded. I did not want to be the revolutionary or the martyr. I wanted to write a book, and sip iced tea on the porch in the Summer while having wonderful, intellectual discussions on art and Spirituality in a post-modern culture. I did not want to be the one dismissively labeled as an "angry woman" (as if that invalidates the cause) Has anyone ever righted a grievous wrong who wasn't angry? Jesus in the temple? Martin Luther? Joan of Arc? (sigh) They were all angry at injustice, at oppression, at the malignant manipulation of truth. They all refused to stay silent in spite of the personal cost.

The publisher's "statement of beliefs" condemned me to silence as a woman who believes that God doesn't put limits on our callings and giftings. I could perhaps, live with that, or at least, work around it or walk away from it, but what continued to bother me as I finished making dinner was the thought of my daughter having to live with that, or at some point my granddaughter. What would my keeping silent cost them? That is a price I realized I am not willing to pay.

So...I am breaking the silence. I will not accept oppressive discrimination disguised as theological dogma. I will "speak the truth in love." I will write the truth. I will dance the truth. I will do my best to live the truth. I will pray that the truth will one day shatter the oppression of silence that is holding far too many hostage under the guise of doctrinal dogma.

As we sat down to our beef stroganoff for dinner, I realized that I had put far too much cracked pepper in the sauce. Hmmm, maybe I should call that publisher back? I'm sure he must have some wonderful cookbooks written by Christian women...as long as they're not licensed ministers that is!